worth.

Every now and then, I get caught up in this comparison trap. And worrying about who actually likes me and who doesn't. And if I measure up in this way or that way. And most of the time, I can quickly recognize that this is what I'm doing and squash it. Remind myself where my value is (in Jesus) and then I can easily and quickly quit giving a flying flip about who I do NOT measure up to based solely on who I am as a human. But a couple weeks back, I felt the Lord gently tug on my heart and open my eyes. I was letting myself get caught up again.

And here's where the dumb disclaimer lies: THIS IS *MY* STORY. I AM IN NO WAY SAYING YOU SHOULD DO WHAT I DO. THIS IS *MY* THING.

Okay, so I was getting caught up: was my makeup enough? were my shoes enough? how about my clothes? and what about my nails? None of these questions were me asking myself... "hey Self, what do you think about you? Self, do we like our nails this way? Do we like shoes like this? Also, Self, how we reealllly feelin' about this face full of makeup?" No. I was comparing myself to others and not truly realizing it til the tug on my heart strings alerted me. Thanks, Holy Spirit, I needed it.

So I stopped dead in my tracks and I DID ask myself all those questions. Who am I trying to please? Who am I concerned about? What difference does it make if I don't look TOP NOTCH every darn day? I like ME. I like who I am (most of the time). I like who I was designed to be. My family never asks why my makeup isn't perfect or why my hairs are crazy or if those shoes are the current style. No, actually, they just love ME. And humbling enough, I've had to wear "granny shoes" all summer because of some weird foot condition that dictates I either wear socks or leather, so I chose Wal-Mart sandals with leather soles. They are super comfy, and at first, I was like... Um. This will be looked down on.

What?
I know.

But then on Sunday (because church) I wore shoes that only made my sad feet hurt even more. I was suddenly caught up. Did they look cute? SHOOT YEAH! But did I wear them for me? Nope. I wore them because it's what other people are wearing. And I needed to measure up.

And yesterday, I let it happen again. Knowing where I was going, I put on a full face of makeup. And even as I was doing it, I realized, it was not for me. It was not for my family. It was not for Jesus. It was for making sure I was judged properly by others. So dumb, and I knew it, but just couldn't stop myself. I immediately washed it off after I was home.

What do *I* like? I like mascara, blush, and lips. I like looking natural. *I* like it. And the Lord pressed on me weeks ago, to stop worrying about it and do what I feel is right between Him and me. So I did. Til yesterday. And I went to bed with all of this on my mind, praying for a refreshed vision of who He says I am. I woke this morning with a fresh, blank face. I added mascara, blush, and lipstick, because it's what I like. I put on my flowy, non-form fitting dress.

What else do I like? Flats. Sandals that are flat. Shoes that are flat. Wedges are fun, but I feel like I can't do anything meaningful in them. I like flat, strappy sandals.

I like my loose comfy clothing. I like stretchy clothes, even if they don't make me look thinner. I don't care about looking thin. I mean.... I'll be honest, I'm struggling with being the "fat girl" in my circles right now, but also, I want to be comfortable, because that's what *I* like right now. Comfort.

I also like pleasing the Lord, and not man. I like being who I am without the stupid comparison. This morning, after my quiet time, my out loud words were this:

My worth is not in my face.
My worth is not in my shoes
My worth is not in my appearance.
My worth is not in my ministry.
My worth is not in my LuLaRoe business.
My worth is not even in motherhood or wifey-ness.

My worth is in Jesus.
My worth is in Jesus.
My worth is in Jesus.

I want to be aligned with Him and how he made me. Which means, I stop this silly comparison to other humans right now. Time is essentially wasted when I spend it wondering if I measure up. Because, really? I DO measure up. I measure up to the Holy One, the One who sacrificed EVERYTHING to allow me to be worthy.

Your struggle may not be where mine is, and THAT IS OKAY. We weren't created the same. Not visually, creatively, physically, mentally, emotionally. I do things differently than the next person. My personality is different than others, FOR SURE. And that is amazing! You do you, and find your value and your worth in Jesus alone.

Say it with me: comparison is dumb and super unproductive and does not please the Lord.

YOU are beautiful.
YOU are amazing.
YOU are strong.
YOU are YOU.
And YOU are full to the brim of worth and value in Jesus our Savior.
Be who He made you.

xoxo

He comforts.

Yesterday was a doozy, man. My emotions were in full control. Everything I did, said, and felt were all wrapped up in two things.

First, I woke up to a message from someone from my past that both stung and made me burn with anger. The anger quickly turned into a mess of every other emotion. I won't go into this, though.

Alongside that, I woke up feeling generally down because life just isn't going how I have dreamed for years and years and years. And by "life" I mean only ONE aspect of my life. But that one thing ate me up yesterday. I was a very unproductive human. I cried. I laid in bed and ate cookies. I had THE best pity party. But, I was truly hurting.

I have dreamed of moving somewhere NOT Texas for years. I have dreamed of living in the country closer to our extended families. I have other dreams, too. But this is a biggie. We have been married for 16 years and have lived in Texas for that long, too. We are from Oklahoma, for those few who don't know. It's not terribly far, but still an 11-12 hour trek with a kid like Ruby who hates being in the car for too long. Yesterday, I just felt overwhelmed. I told God that I thought my faith was wavering. I told him that I was tired of sacrificing. I was tired of having sacrificed 16 years of my life living somewhere I near hate. I love my relationships, but not a lot compares to hugging my momma and enveloping myself in her warmth and smell when I need it. Nothing compares to getting to stay the night at the grandparents house when you're a kid and getting spoiled to no end by them.

I pitied hard. I looked up jobs for Toby, I looked up houses for us. I checked several cities. I just had a day. I had a day where the sacrifice felt like too much. Holding tight to a faith that said God surely cares about this one thing, but He isn't moving in this area of our lives. It was hard. I held on, but barely, I felt like I was slipping and sliding and the rope was getting shorter and shorter because I was coming to the end of it. I was surely at the end of myself, I knew that.

All day, I just kept telling the Lord, whilst reassuring myself: God... you KNOW my heart. You KNOW my dreams and desires. You KNOW the prayer I have prayed a thousand times. You KNOW. You KNOW. Without a doubt, you KNOW. 

So why? Why can't we pick up and GO, anywhere? Why are we stuck here? How much longer must I sacrifice my dreams. I love my husband, God, you know I do, and Lord, I would never do anything or push anything we were not on the same page about, but God. Hey God, can I stop sacrificing now?

It's hard sometimes. It's hard to know you are following Him even though He isn't taking you where you hope to go. I went to bed wallowing in my self pity and woe is me attitude. But I could not sleep. So I cracked open my Bible. And just flipped. I flipped and flipped without reading the words. Until a title caught my eye, "God Offers Comfort To All." Okay, I'll read it.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us." (2 Corinthians 1: 3-7)


I know that my troubles and hardships do not compare to the author's (Paul), but it felt so good to read this passage and praise the Father for being my comfort. I read it, doodled in my Bible, thanked and praised, and fell asleep with my Bible open next to me.

Why am I sacrificing for such a long period of time something my heart truly desires? I am not sure. I won't know. Maybe our work here in O-town isn't complete. Maybe there's more we must do, more God has for us to do before we can go anywhere else. Sometimes, we just sacrifice. Sometimes, we live in a perpetual state of sacrifice. There is a reason behind it. Do I always get to know the reason? I do not. Just that in the waiting, in the hurting, in the wondering, my God remains steadfast and strong and available to hear my hearts and available to bring me comfort.

A year and a half ago, I committed to stop living with one foot out the door here. And big things went down!!! I stick to this commitment, even though yesterday I allowed the evil one to worm into my thoughts and make me question why this sacrifice has been 16 years long, question my faith, question His faithfulness.

My doubts are no more today because His mercies are new each day, His love and grace and faithfulness is steadfast and DOES. NOT. WAVER. My humanity got in my way, my selfishness, my self pity. Today, I know. I know that I will not have answers for why, but I know I don't need them. I know I don't have to fake job hunt and fake house hunt and fake city hunt, because right here, in my humble house in West Texas is my home, my now, the exact place God has us. I will rejoice. I will be thankful. I will give praise. God is good, even when I'm unsure, even when I drown myself in self pity.


xoxo

finding Jesus + summa time.

So. Are you like me? Do you approach the Bible with this attitude: What am I going to get out of it today? What word is going to be spoken into my life? Also, where is my devotional, because I can't read my Bible without one. What's God gonna give me?

This was my story. I wanted to know what I was going to get out the Bible every time I read it. What was going to be spoken to me. What thing was I going to take away. And every time I cracked 'er open, I had to have a devotional or I was sure I wouldn't understand anything, or even receive anything that day.

I am absolutely not saying devos are bad. I am absolutely not saying we shouldn't be seeking the Bible for answers, because duh. We should be. (But I'm not talking on that today, it's a completely different subject than what's on my mind.)

All I'm saying is I was taking a me me me approach every. single. time. Every time, guys.

And I have a very good friend who is wise about things Bible related. (thank God for putting her in my life). Well, we were chatting one day about Jesus-y stuff as we usually do when we meet together, and she said something that has stuck with me and changed the way I'm approaching Scripture this summer and forever. She said, "When I started looking for Jesus in the Bible, that's when everything changed." Whoa. My mind blew. the. heck. up. I'm pretty sure I was stone faced in the moment, but that one statement stuck with me and rattled around in my mind for dayssssss. Weeks. We were currently in the middle of a major Bible study with our women's group and I was currently in the middle of the busiest season EVER so I'll be honest here: I didn't exactly always crack open my Bible simply to read it.

Now that my world has calmed down and I have had time to really think and ponder things. Now that I've stopped for hot minute and turned my heart back to the Lord. Now that I've slowed my roll (yeah, um, I googled to see if it was roll or role and we're going with urban dictionary's roll. I'm not a nerd, you are). Okay, so now that I've slowed my roll, I am taking time to seriously read the Word, with intent, because I wanna, out of zero obligations, but out of pure desire. Holla! I'm a little gangsta at heart. Sorry, not sorry.

But for the reals, here's my summer challenge for me (and you, if you wanna):

Read the Bible to find Jesus.

Do not: read the Bible solely for a word or to get something out of it for me (or someone else).

Crack open that sucker and seek the Savior.

Do not: crack it open because of how I'm feeling that day. (emotions are not truth givers).

Dive in everyday and see where the Lord can be found.

Do not: dive in looking for answers (unless there is a real situation that calls for it, that's different. I'm not talking about that today).

That's what I'm doing. I'm looking for the Holy One in the Word. I'm simply building my relationship with Him by seeking Him and letting Him speak into my life through the scriptures that all point back to Him anyways.

Daily, I journal a prayer before I even dive in: God: Open my eyes to see you. Open my ears to hear your Words. Open my heart to receive your truth. The verbiage varies on the daily, but the heartfelt prayer is still the same: less of me me me, more of you. Then I jump into my Bible. I've further challenged myself to read the Bible without any tools (devos or Bible studies or what have you). I will google for things I want to dissect, or seek a knowledgeable human to help a girl out, but I don't start with anything. I just want my readings to be pure: pure in seeking Jesus. I don't want to come to my quiet time only hoping for things He can give to me. I want to come to quiet time giving my ears and eyes and heart over to finding Jesus and falling more deeply in love with Him.

I want this summer to solely be about opening my Bible and saying Where my Homie at today? 

xoxo

brave.

So. If you don't know the whole story, here it is: I co-run a women's group/ministry/thing in our church here. And we put together (with the help of an amazing team) an early Mother's Day event this past Friday. We had all of our speaker set and ready to go, the line up was nailed down. But then. Then. My partner in crime (or just women's ministry) called me on Monday and said..... "heyyyy, soooo, you're speaking, bye." Okay, maybe not exactly in those words, but that's how I remember it because I was shell shocked. Whut. I mean..... whut?! Say it again? I'm speaking? I hate you.

So. I mulled it over for a day, and the Lord very quickly gave me something to speak about. So I said yes to this first-time-to-ever-speak-in-front-of-people-with-a-mic situation.

Our event was called BRAVE. And we had four women speak briefly on what it means to be brave in their current stage of life. All four women were in different life situations (fresh out of high school, blended family, new grandparent). My stage is: married with a bunch of kids. Aaaand, here's what I had to say:



When I was 7 months out of high school, at the tender age of 18, I married Toby. Brave was moving away from the familiar and comfort of home to be an air force wife in a brand new town 8 hours away. Brave was navigating a new marriage when I wanted to go back home to where my family lived. I even sometimes wondered if we made a mistake. Instead, I stayed and pressed on and we grew into adulthood together. That was over 16 years ago.

I started going to church with a new friend during Toby’s first deployment. I came to know the Lord. And Brave was asking him to come to church with me, repeatedly, even though he often said, “probably not.” Eventually, he started saying yes on occasion. Soon, we were baptized together. And today, we are living proof that the Lord works in the hearts of those who are unsure of Him. If this is your story, hold on, married friends, there is hope.

Three years into marriage, we had our first baby. I was 20. Brave was starting a family without a support system, like our parents and grandparents. And super bravery was getting pregnant again eight short months after the first one was born! If you're in the trenches of tiny ones in motherhood, hang on dear mommas, you can do this.

Fast forward to 5 1/2 years ago. We had four boys by now, the baby was about 10 months old and we were gearing up to move here, to Odessa. I suddenly started struggling like I never had before. Postpartum depression hit me for the first time. We moved about two months later, and I found out I was pregnant AGAIN two weeks after we got here and we were both surprised because we had decided we were done growing our family! The postpartum then became prenatal depression, a term I never heard before. I struggled the whole pregnancy, even after he was born. When he was two, I felt the fog lifting a little. THEN, because I’m fertile myrtle, I became pregnant with another surprise baby. (and yes, I DO know how that happens). This time, the prenatal depression actually kept me in bed most of my pregnancy. Brave was telling my husband and kids that I cannot do life. I cannot cook, or clean, or grocery shop. I can’t human, I can’t function. Brave was letting go of an ideal I created in my mind of what I should be doing day in and day out. Brave was letting my family help me. And sometimes, brave was simply getting out of bed.

About six months ago, my eyes were opened to something I had been in denial about: I was still struggling with postpartum depression. I had been wondering if running away alone would be best for my family. I wondered if I was damaging my kids because I still wasn't functioning well in day to day life. Brave for me, was calling a doctor and seeking medical advice, saying out loud that I needed help. If this is your story, sweet mommas, you are not alone. There is hope.

Over a year ago, the Lord asked me to be BRAVE and step out of my comfortable, introverted bubble and seek a partner to start a women’s Bible study group with. That partner was Jessica Phillips. And we’ve been going non-stop ever since that day. And right now, I am in a season where God is silent. He is not giving me direction. He is not giving me a next step. He’s just not speaking to me. And I believe it’s because my “next step” is actually to stay exactly where I am: to keep co-leading SheTribe, to simply be with my family this summer, to remain just where I am in this season of life. Brave is having faith, that though we live in a fast-paced, what’s-next, kind of world, I am to keep that faith and trust that the Lord is there always, and has not left me. He is simply asking me to be still and stay the course, be faithful to him. He’s asking me to keep going. If this is your story, dear ones, be brave where you are, remain faithful, and keep going.

********

This is (a portion of) my BRAVE story. It's so important to tell our stories, to say, "see? I overcame. There is hope. The Lord never left me, He carried me. He is good. He is faithful." Please, never be afraid to tell your story, sweet ones. Never. 

xoxo

the lady baby. march 2017

Details, you guys. I love detail shots. They make my heart swoon and my eyes get all googly. They make cheeks rise and my breath sigh. If ever photography was my job again, I'd want to be in the business of photojournalistic style photography. True lifestyle. Capturing hands and shoes and wisps of hair and cheek dimples and dirty toes and the tiniest of things. I do this with my own littles. I certainly don't photograph my family like I used to, and I wish I was disciplined enough to shoot them everyday in some form or fashion with my big camera, but I am just not.

Depression takes so much away from you. It took a lot away from me. It took the desire to do anything related to all of life away, except sleeping. I wanted to sleep. My passions got tossed to the wayside. My photography inside my family unit halted. Everything I enjoyed, just gone. And now, I'm out of the rhythm of capturing my people. It's a rhythm I'd like to get back into, but I will not hold myself to too high of a standard for fear of personal let down. I'll keep using my phone, and it'll be okay. I'll use my big camera when the mood strikes, and that'll be just fine. Should it strike more often, though, I wouldn't mind. But for now, snippets of our life through my lens.

And today, it's Ruby. I love her so.

xoxo

my calling. my gifting.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've really been pressing into the Lord to reveal what my gifting is in this life. I have this friend who knows very specifically what her gifting and calling is, and honestly, I find a little envy creep into the cracks of my heart. Not that kind of envy that says, "I hope she fails, and every other human who fully recognizes the calling God placed on their lives fails, too." No, in fact, I feel the very opposite. I want her to succeed. I want all of them to succeed and further the Kingdom. With every fiber of my being, I WANT THEM TO SUCCEED. My tinge of envy comes from wishing I knew exactly what my giftings are, too. I want to know without a doubt the special thing God has given me and use it with abandon. Lately, I feel like I can't figure it out... Like, did I know what it was before? and during the last 5 years when I lost sight of who I was, did I lose sight of my talents and gifts and calling? Or did I never really know it to begin with? Or is the Lord dangling it in front of me and I am too blinded by other things of this world to even see it? I am not sure.

I am currently doing a Bible study that, honestly, I have kind of put off doing this week. I waited til one day before I needed to finish it to even open it. Wouldn't you know it that the very thing that has been on my mind, bothering me, bringing me to my knees is the very thing the study talks about this week?! Geez. The Lord is definitely trying to speak to me, but what is He saying? Do you ever feel that way? Like, God, I hear you, I feel you, I see you, but I can't quite make it out, it's a little muffled, a little blurry. You're there. You're here, but the message isn't clear.  I think maybe I'm letting my distractions block his communications. Distractions like my phone. (amirite?) And my little concerns. My worldly distractions and my worldly concerns. These distractions are the opposite of being focused on God. These distractions are preventing the muffled, blurry image from coming through clear as day.

If I can't put these distractions away, shift my focus upward, then no, the Lord will not reveal my actual giftings to me. He will not ask me to fulfill my calling if I cannot focus on Him and his Word more than my things. (I'm sitting here writing this and laughing, because I am thinking... this is so NOT where I was going with this, yet this is what is flowing out of my hands and my mind.) All of these things are telling me I am storing my "treasures" in the wrong place. All of these things are proving that I harvest what I plant (Gal. 6:7). I am the world's best time waster. F'real. I love my sleep. I love my bed. I love my lazy. And I am so well aware that the Bible calls us to "never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically." (I forget the verse reference). And there was a time I did work hard simply to overcome the natural lazy body that lives within this chubby exterior. And I did overcome it. I truly did. I set aside the Netflix, I set aside my selfishness and need to be 'nuggled up in my bed. I set my own, personal, and selfish desires aside and lived on the Holy Spirit and his Bread.

But then, life happened. And I fell back into my lazy ways. And perhaps all of these things running rampant in my mind about not knowing my gifting and my calling is really just the Lord saying, hey. stop. stop toiling with this nonsense. focus back on ME. look up. reach up. breathe me in deeply. lean into me, lean into my chest, my embrace, my breathing, feel my heartbeat for you. lean into my Word, and all of those promises. and dear lazy child, lean into obedience.

Of course, obedience. Obedience brings forth so much fruit. So much. I came here to whine about not knowing my calling or giftings. I came here to say, wahhhh, poor me. But instead, I've given myself a Bible lesson. "Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." (Phil. 2:12b-13). Yes, Lord, I hear you. First, obey. Press into You, press into your Word. Then, listen. And most of all for right now, stop being lazy. Stop being selfish with my time and my time wasters. Got it.

Laying my real life confessions out there in the open world is hard to do. I do know I'm called to live an open book type of life, but it doesn't make it easy all the time to tell the truth about my walk with the Lord. I am a mess. I'm a messy human with a tendency to be self serving. Imperfect, though loved with a Perfect Love. I really think I'm being disciplined like a child, because let's be real, I'm acting like one. My discipline is well deserved. I read my Bible daily, I journal, I pray. But then I do not behave in a way that suggests I am truly soaking the truths deep down in the crevices of my soul. I can't just read these truths, then curl up in bed every day as if I have no goals to work towards to further the Kingdom. No, I must live them. Hour by hour, minute by minute.

I must walk in obedience and that first step onto that path for me: stop being lazy.


xoxo

like rain on dirt.

note: I started writing this in October, but got interrupted, because hashtag large family life. Wellllll, I also started co-writing a Bible study for women. Like, a real study with homework days and group discussions and scaryscaryscary, but I came back to this post I started and I finished it up because, God said so. And it fits perfectly (in my humble opinion). So there it is, my big THING that's gonna happen, this thing we've had in the works, this-big, scary, I don't know what I'm doing-dream. However, God is faithful. And IF I'm going to WRITE a Bible study, then by-golly, I am going to have to actually WRITE more often. So for now, I'm sharing this, because I just feel like someone needs to read it. I love you guys!

**********

I dealt with prenatal and postpartum depression for five years straight. My fourth child was about 10 months old when it first hit me. And I continued to struggle for those next five years through two more pregnancies and babies. My depression manifested in the form of frustration and anger and intolerance. My whole life felt like one big, giant valley that I could not climb my way out of. It was deep, so deep that I wondered if the Lord had forgotten me at times. But other times, I had such clarity that He was there, loving me through it, even if I could not sense His presence every waking minute.


One particular day, I was in a mood. I don't know really what that mood was, except that I wanted to literally feel the Lord all around me. I was longing for a physical touch from Him. Sometimes that happens, sometimes my heart longs so deeply for my real home that I just crave and desire to have Him manifest in front of me and whisk me into His arms.


You know how you hug someone you care about and they always have the same smell? When I hug my mom or my husband or my baby, I know their smell, and it's a comfort. I wonder what Jesus would smell like, sometimes. I think maybe it's that smell of a fresh rain on the dirt.


I was in such a state of longing that I had my Bible out, and I had some songs on my phone playing to just soothe my soul a bit. It was kind of a cloudy, gloomy day, which happens to be my favorite weather. And when I looked outside, I noticed the wind was picking up and the rain began to fall. All I could think was, this is Him. This is my hug. This is my touch from the Savior. I had the biggest need to walk outside and play the music and worship while the rain hit my face. So I did. And I cried with hands held open, palms upward (my personal representation of being open to what Jesus has for me). Tears ran. As I was going through this rough time, I could feel the joy of Jesus. It wasn’t instant happy, no, it was a resounding permanence that I would never be left alone in my valley. I would have a Savior by my side, both in front of me and behind me, hemming me in, pulling and pushing me up the side of the mountain, and carrying me when my burden feels much too heavy to bear. No valley is too deep for Him, and it that moment of rain soaking my face and hair and clothes, I was sweetly reminded that that truth is an unshakeable truth.

october ONE.

It's crazy that another year is nearly gone.

It's crazy that this year
has brought a TEENAGER into my life,
that my baby girl turned one,
that I lived through and overcame post partum depression,
that I lost my grandfather, who helped raise me,
that I made new friends,
that I helped launch an entire women's ministry,
that we went through the hardest six months ever and lived to tell the tale.

It's been some kind of year! And I just pause and think about where I was one year and two years ago. You guys, I was suffering, internally suffering. My world two years ago a mess of pregnant hormones and prenatal depression. It was crumbling so hard and fast that I decided I was no longer mentally, emotionally, or physically equipped to homeschool my kids and I ran straight to the school and enrolled them. I spent nearly every day in bed for a minimum of half of my waking hours. I couldn't cook, I couldn't read, I couldn't speak to people, I could not even make decisions. I didn't know what to feed myself, I didn't know how to live my life. It was so sad. It was a deep, dark pit. I was not a great human being. I was mean and in a constant state of frustration.

One year ago, I had a bitty three month old, and things were looking up. The prenatal depression did not fully manifest into postpartum depression. (Praise God!) I had trouble getting my stride back, sure, but having my daughter sort of started a healing on my heart. She was a redemption song in my life. She was the last baby I never knew my heart needed. My boys are a part of my everything, without a doubt. But my baby number six, my daughter, she has completed us in ways I didn't know were possible. And juggling a newborn and going back to homeschool and not knowing about our job situation, it was all challenging back then.

Now, this year, this life. It's so beautiful. It's hard as heck some days trying to balance a busy, nursing toddler, while homeschooling five boys, and planning out ministry things, and then saying YES to even more scary things the Lord has asked me to step into. My heart is still healing, my heart still has moments where those dark feelings try to creep in and take over. But heavens, I am so thankful to be where I am today. To have found a hope to cling to when my daughter was born, to feel redeemed, to feel whole, well... that is one of the best feelings.

I'm certainly in a busy season in my life. And listen, y'all. I don't do busy. Like, ever. My kids aren't in activities, for that very reason. I'm fine with saying no when I need to, for realz. But right now, this busyness, I don't mind it. I am not complaining one bit. I'm just fully aware of what it is, I am acknowledging the busy. This busy is bringing me joy, perhaps even restoring some of it that has long been forgotten. Working for the Lord, not for man. Saying yes. Doing things afraid. Being fully myself, never too much, always enough. Remembering exactly who I am as Brooke, a daughter of the King. It's a glorious season, and I can't believe this is my life right now.

And we just can't believe it's October and we get to wear October colors!

xoxo

the happenings lately.

Oh my wow, you guys. It's been over four months since I've uttered a word or dropped a photo onto this space!! What!?!? A lot has been going on, actually! And I've been doing everything but editing my personal photos and blogging. The absence wasn't intended, but maybe somehow I needed it.

We are homeschooling again this year with all the kids doing book work. If you'll remember, last year, I only schooled my first grader (barely) and my big two did Monarch, online. That did not work out. But I was coming out of the throes of prenatal depression, so I was in no place to do much teaching.  This year, though, I am so much better. Thank God. The prenatal did not turn in to postpartum. At least not long term. So I feel more like myself, and that feeling grows each and every day. I honestly think there is nothing more life sucking or draining than depression. It grabs hold and unleashes every bit of darkness that it can throw at you. There is a praise on my breath each morning because I have overcome that pit. All of that to say... I am now teaching all five boys this year! Am I qualified? .... ummm, not really (ha!), but I'm called, so I do. We're currently in our third week and we are moving right along. I only have one boy who likes to visit LaLaLand when I try to teach him (lol)! So I call that a win!

On top of getting back in to the swing of homeschooling, I spent my spring and summer partnering with someone else to get a women's ministry up and running through our church. Listen, this is not your grandma's women's ministry. (But mad respect for Grandma and her Bible Studying ways with other women. Without her, women's ministry would not be shaped much at all). SO, we spent the summer preparing to launch it this fall, and y'all, we had around 160 women sign up to go through our first Bible study as a women's group! Eek!!! It was wild! And Glory!!! because only God could spring forth that much life into something new. We're currently in the middle of that study and it is SO good! It's Open Your Bible by the She Reads Truthers, Raechel Myers and Amanda Bible Williams. We also have some fun things and some heart things and some service things planned, as well as the next studies. We are so passionate about discussion based studies because it just allows for more time for women to chat and really open up and share their story. But darn it if there aren't any studies out there, save a few, that are discussion driven instead of video driven. But it's all fine and well, because we WILL figure this out (because God)!!

One thing The Lord has made abundantly clear through starting up this ministry is this:

You may not feel good enough or qualified enough or strong enough or (in my case) smart enough, but dadgumit, sometimes the Lord calls you to do something, and if you juuuuuust say YES and follow His prompts, he'll give you all the things you feel like your flesh is lacking. Because, y'all, I feel like I am not able all. the. time. But if I just turn heart and eyes upward, He will give me HIS knowledge, and HIS ideas, and HIS wisdom, and HIS strength, and HIS [thing I think I lack]. Isn't that crazy?! and awesome?! and awe-inspiring?! My jaw tends to drop and my eyebrows shoot up into my forehead when I think on all the things I can't do, but He can and will through me and with my life. Wrapping my brain around it takes some effort, no doubt. But saying YES is one of the best things ever, and sometimes the hardest.

I mean, the Lord has put a bug in my ear about a big project, and I DEFINITELY do not feel smart enough or capable enough to accomplish it. So saying YES was and is scary for me, but I'm saying it with heart turned up and hands held open. And being grateful for a partner who is definitely smart enough and able to help see our vision through. I can't wait to share it with you, but for now, just pray we can cast vision and accomplish our tasks with the Lord.

Also, my dear husband went back to work full time after working from home all summer. So we've has those changes going on at home, too. It always requires readjusting expectations and processes when the home life changes. But it's been great! We learned some super big lessons over the summer, and maybe one day, if we get together, I'll tell ya about them in person. So now, I'm home with all six kids all day by myself. And it's taken some adjusting, but we're doing good! Our routine since we started school back up has been such a huge thing, a great thing! It's just what we needed to restore any semblance of order around here (ha!! because you know, six kids and all). I'm excited for my husband, though. He's in a leadership position and totally thrives on leading others. He just has this way about him that makes people like him, respect him, and want to be part of his team. It totally makes me envious, lol! But for serious, he's going to do great things where he's at. And I'm so excited for him.

So that's that. My baby Ruby is 15 months old now, a whopping 19lbs. She's a petite little darling, and she's the perfect girl icing to our boy cake. (yeah, that was cheesy. sorry about that.) But she does make our family so complete and she makes it a thousand times better just because she's part of it! We all love her, and no kidding, I STILL cannot get over the fact that we have a baby girl in our family! I still feel so beyond blessed and just awe-struck, because she is so amazing!

Anyways, I hope to return to this space more (like I always say), but in the mean time, enjoy your week!!

trenches. faith. breastfeeding.

I've been using my camera a lot more lately.

A few years ago I took some self portraits where I felt very vulnerable and open.

And to be honest, I've felt sort of closed off lately, the opposite. But Ruby had me sitting and nursing and holding her all morning yesterday. It was a long morning, but I had my camera with me so I decided to snap some self portraits of the two of us during our most intimate time.

I am back to my heaviest weight ever, my face is swollen due to health issues. I just feel like a horrible parent lately, and like my walls are just creeping in on me as I struggle through some things. Ultimately, the Lord is still good and will see us through it all, though it may be painful and ugly. Things I'm learning are to open my clenched fist and stop holding on to MY idyllic situations and circumstances. I feel like I spend too much time thinking on how this and that should be and not living where I'm at. I hold on so tightly to what I believe things should look like that I can't even see what the Lord is trying to do in front of me. I can't see beyond the things I'm clenching so tightly to. Basically, I just said the same thing about ten different ways. Ell Oh Ell. 

Seriously, though, letting go is a huge process. And it's so strange, because I actually thrive on change. I love it so much. The only time it's a little bothersome is when peeps try to change something that was actually working REALLY well and they simply wanted to reinvent the wheel and it just flopped. But that's another song and dance. ...I forget where I was going with this whole paragraph, because kids. So.

These photos. My face, it's swollen, but I am as weary and tired as I look. I keep envisioning myself in this room full of people lately. And it looks like a room full of people just doing their thang and worshiping the Lord full out with all of their being, myself included. Y'all, I am in the trenches. I'm in the trenches of motherhood, tiny babies, toddlers, preschoolers, adolescents, preteens, and teens. Trenches. Something unique but hard at every turn with all of these ages. And I want out sometimes, so darn bad. I don't love every second. I don't cherish every single moment. I won't miss every detail of these days. I do believe I will have moments I will miss and I will remember the good. But I long to not feel the weariness. So lately, I find myself just reaching, reaching for a way to let the Lord do more in my heart and in my home and in my mess, because, y'all...  it is a mess up in this heart. And what I've discovered is that this room I'm envisioning, I want that within my home. I want my home to be a place where I can freely worship how I do. Sure, this mothering thing and this wife-ing thing and this homemaking thing are acts are worship, but that is not what I'm craving. I'm craving to crank up all the songs and say all the prayers and fling my head back and belt a million words and let the tears flow, all unfettered and without fear. I just want my whole being to be flung into His arms by way of song and movement and tears and a great pouring out of the heart. I want the Holy Spirit to speak on my behalf while I just give every last drop of breath and tear and being to full blown God glorifying worship. Selfishly, I want all of Him. But also, I want to give Him all of me. Not only do I want that for myself, but for my children, my guests. I'm very self conscious about things like this, but oh man, I'm working on it.

My daughter. She is a huge part of who I am as a mother at the moment because she is so often literally attached to me. And it's a beautiful thing and it's one of my favorite times during the early years, having a nursling. I adore it. She's currently going through a phase where she clings tight to me every morning and sits close and alternates between nursing and snuggling until her first nap, rarely moving from wherever we're sitting. So I caught some of our nursing session on film in a more creative, detailed way. I may not love my figure, or my swollen face, but I love her. I love us. And my thoughts were running wild and I just needed to capture this time on film. There are a lot of photos, but I love them all.

xoxo