worth.

Every now and then, I get caught up in this comparison trap. And worrying about who actually likes me and who doesn't. And if I measure up in this way or that way. And most of the time, I can quickly recognize that this is what I'm doing and squash it. Remind myself where my value is (in Jesus) and then I can easily and quickly quit giving a flying flip about who I do NOT measure up to based solely on who I am as a human. But a couple weeks back, I felt the Lord gently tug on my heart and open my eyes. I was letting myself get caught up again.

And here's where the dumb disclaimer lies: THIS IS *MY* STORY. I AM IN NO WAY SAYING YOU SHOULD DO WHAT I DO. THIS IS *MY* THING.

Okay, so I was getting caught up: was my makeup enough? were my shoes enough? how about my clothes? and what about my nails? None of these questions were me asking myself... "hey Self, what do you think about you? Self, do we like our nails this way? Do we like shoes like this? Also, Self, how we reealllly feelin' about this face full of makeup?" No. I was comparing myself to others and not truly realizing it til the tug on my heart strings alerted me. Thanks, Holy Spirit, I needed it.

So I stopped dead in my tracks and I DID ask myself all those questions. Who am I trying to please? Who am I concerned about? What difference does it make if I don't look TOP NOTCH every darn day? I like ME. I like who I am (most of the time). I like who I was designed to be. My family never asks why my makeup isn't perfect or why my hairs are crazy or if those shoes are the current style. No, actually, they just love ME. And humbling enough, I've had to wear "granny shoes" all summer because of some weird foot condition that dictates I either wear socks or leather, so I chose Wal-Mart sandals with leather soles. They are super comfy, and at first, I was like... Um. This will be looked down on.

What?
I know.

But then on Sunday (because church) I wore shoes that only made my sad feet hurt even more. I was suddenly caught up. Did they look cute? SHOOT YEAH! But did I wear them for me? Nope. I wore them because it's what other people are wearing. And I needed to measure up.

And yesterday, I let it happen again. Knowing where I was going, I put on a full face of makeup. And even as I was doing it, I realized, it was not for me. It was not for my family. It was not for Jesus. It was for making sure I was judged properly by others. So dumb, and I knew it, but just couldn't stop myself. I immediately washed it off after I was home.

What do *I* like? I like mascara, blush, and lips. I like looking natural. *I* like it. And the Lord pressed on me weeks ago, to stop worrying about it and do what I feel is right between Him and me. So I did. Til yesterday. And I went to bed with all of this on my mind, praying for a refreshed vision of who He says I am. I woke this morning with a fresh, blank face. I added mascara, blush, and lipstick, because it's what I like. I put on my flowy, non-form fitting dress.

What else do I like? Flats. Sandals that are flat. Shoes that are flat. Wedges are fun, but I feel like I can't do anything meaningful in them. I like flat, strappy sandals.

I like my loose comfy clothing. I like stretchy clothes, even if they don't make me look thinner. I don't care about looking thin. I mean.... I'll be honest, I'm struggling with being the "fat girl" in my circles right now, but also, I want to be comfortable, because that's what *I* like right now. Comfort.

I also like pleasing the Lord, and not man. I like being who I am without the stupid comparison. This morning, after my quiet time, my out loud words were this:

My worth is not in my face.
My worth is not in my shoes
My worth is not in my appearance.
My worth is not in my ministry.
My worth is not in my LuLaRoe business.
My worth is not even in motherhood or wifey-ness.

My worth is in Jesus.
My worth is in Jesus.
My worth is in Jesus.

I want to be aligned with Him and how he made me. Which means, I stop this silly comparison to other humans right now. Time is essentially wasted when I spend it wondering if I measure up. Because, really? I DO measure up. I measure up to the Holy One, the One who sacrificed EVERYTHING to allow me to be worthy.

Your struggle may not be where mine is, and THAT IS OKAY. We weren't created the same. Not visually, creatively, physically, mentally, emotionally. I do things differently than the next person. My personality is different than others, FOR SURE. And that is amazing! You do you, and find your value and your worth in Jesus alone.

Say it with me: comparison is dumb and super unproductive and does not please the Lord.

YOU are beautiful.
YOU are amazing.
YOU are strong.
YOU are YOU.
And YOU are full to the brim of worth and value in Jesus our Savior.
Be who He made you.

xoxo

He comforts.

Yesterday was a doozy, man. My emotions were in full control. Everything I did, said, and felt were all wrapped up in two things.

First, I woke up to a message from someone from my past that both stung and made me burn with anger. The anger quickly turned into a mess of every other emotion. I won't go into this, though.

Alongside that, I woke up feeling generally down because life just isn't going how I have dreamed for years and years and years. And by "life" I mean only ONE aspect of my life. But that one thing ate me up yesterday. I was a very unproductive human. I cried. I laid in bed and ate cookies. I had THE best pity party. But, I was truly hurting.

I have dreamed of moving somewhere NOT Texas for years. I have dreamed of living in the country closer to our extended families. I have other dreams, too. But this is a biggie. We have been married for 16 years and have lived in Texas for that long, too. We are from Oklahoma, for those few who don't know. It's not terribly far, but still an 11-12 hour trek with a kid like Ruby who hates being in the car for too long. Yesterday, I just felt overwhelmed. I told God that I thought my faith was wavering. I told him that I was tired of sacrificing. I was tired of having sacrificed 16 years of my life living somewhere I near hate. I love my relationships, but not a lot compares to hugging my momma and enveloping myself in her warmth and smell when I need it. Nothing compares to getting to stay the night at the grandparents house when you're a kid and getting spoiled to no end by them.

I pitied hard. I looked up jobs for Toby, I looked up houses for us. I checked several cities. I just had a day. I had a day where the sacrifice felt like too much. Holding tight to a faith that said God surely cares about this one thing, but He isn't moving in this area of our lives. It was hard. I held on, but barely, I felt like I was slipping and sliding and the rope was getting shorter and shorter because I was coming to the end of it. I was surely at the end of myself, I knew that.

All day, I just kept telling the Lord, whilst reassuring myself: God... you KNOW my heart. You KNOW my dreams and desires. You KNOW the prayer I have prayed a thousand times. You KNOW. You KNOW. Without a doubt, you KNOW. 

So why? Why can't we pick up and GO, anywhere? Why are we stuck here? How much longer must I sacrifice my dreams. I love my husband, God, you know I do, and Lord, I would never do anything or push anything we were not on the same page about, but God. Hey God, can I stop sacrificing now?

It's hard sometimes. It's hard to know you are following Him even though He isn't taking you where you hope to go. I went to bed wallowing in my self pity and woe is me attitude. But I could not sleep. So I cracked open my Bible. And just flipped. I flipped and flipped without reading the words. Until a title caught my eye, "God Offers Comfort To All." Okay, I'll read it.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us." (2 Corinthians 1: 3-7)


I know that my troubles and hardships do not compare to the author's (Paul), but it felt so good to read this passage and praise the Father for being my comfort. I read it, doodled in my Bible, thanked and praised, and fell asleep with my Bible open next to me.

Why am I sacrificing for such a long period of time something my heart truly desires? I am not sure. I won't know. Maybe our work here in O-town isn't complete. Maybe there's more we must do, more God has for us to do before we can go anywhere else. Sometimes, we just sacrifice. Sometimes, we live in a perpetual state of sacrifice. There is a reason behind it. Do I always get to know the reason? I do not. Just that in the waiting, in the hurting, in the wondering, my God remains steadfast and strong and available to hear my hearts and available to bring me comfort.

A year and a half ago, I committed to stop living with one foot out the door here. And big things went down!!! I stick to this commitment, even though yesterday I allowed the evil one to worm into my thoughts and make me question why this sacrifice has been 16 years long, question my faith, question His faithfulness.

My doubts are no more today because His mercies are new each day, His love and grace and faithfulness is steadfast and DOES. NOT. WAVER. My humanity got in my way, my selfishness, my self pity. Today, I know. I know that I will not have answers for why, but I know I don't need them. I know I don't have to fake job hunt and fake house hunt and fake city hunt, because right here, in my humble house in West Texas is my home, my now, the exact place God has us. I will rejoice. I will be thankful. I will give praise. God is good, even when I'm unsure, even when I drown myself in self pity.


xoxo

finding Jesus + summa time.

So. Are you like me? Do you approach the Bible with this attitude: What am I going to get out of it today? What word is going to be spoken into my life? Also, where is my devotional, because I can't read my Bible without one. What's God gonna give me?

This was my story. I wanted to know what I was going to get out the Bible every time I read it. What was going to be spoken to me. What thing was I going to take away. And every time I cracked 'er open, I had to have a devotional or I was sure I wouldn't understand anything, or even receive anything that day.

I am absolutely not saying devos are bad. I am absolutely not saying we shouldn't be seeking the Bible for answers, because duh. We should be. (But I'm not talking on that today, it's a completely different subject than what's on my mind.)

All I'm saying is I was taking a me me me approach every. single. time. Every time, guys.

And I have a very good friend who is wise about things Bible related. (thank God for putting her in my life). Well, we were chatting one day about Jesus-y stuff as we usually do when we meet together, and she said something that has stuck with me and changed the way I'm approaching Scripture this summer and forever. She said, "When I started looking for Jesus in the Bible, that's when everything changed." Whoa. My mind blew. the. heck. up. I'm pretty sure I was stone faced in the moment, but that one statement stuck with me and rattled around in my mind for dayssssss. Weeks. We were currently in the middle of a major Bible study with our women's group and I was currently in the middle of the busiest season EVER so I'll be honest here: I didn't exactly always crack open my Bible simply to read it.

Now that my world has calmed down and I have had time to really think and ponder things. Now that I've stopped for hot minute and turned my heart back to the Lord. Now that I've slowed my roll (yeah, um, I googled to see if it was roll or role and we're going with urban dictionary's roll. I'm not a nerd, you are). Okay, so now that I've slowed my roll, I am taking time to seriously read the Word, with intent, because I wanna, out of zero obligations, but out of pure desire. Holla! I'm a little gangsta at heart. Sorry, not sorry.

But for the reals, here's my summer challenge for me (and you, if you wanna):

Read the Bible to find Jesus.

Do not: read the Bible solely for a word or to get something out of it for me (or someone else).

Crack open that sucker and seek the Savior.

Do not: crack it open because of how I'm feeling that day. (emotions are not truth givers).

Dive in everyday and see where the Lord can be found.

Do not: dive in looking for answers (unless there is a real situation that calls for it, that's different. I'm not talking about that today).

That's what I'm doing. I'm looking for the Holy One in the Word. I'm simply building my relationship with Him by seeking Him and letting Him speak into my life through the scriptures that all point back to Him anyways.

Daily, I journal a prayer before I even dive in: God: Open my eyes to see you. Open my ears to hear your Words. Open my heart to receive your truth. The verbiage varies on the daily, but the heartfelt prayer is still the same: less of me me me, more of you. Then I jump into my Bible. I've further challenged myself to read the Bible without any tools (devos or Bible studies or what have you). I will google for things I want to dissect, or seek a knowledgeable human to help a girl out, but I don't start with anything. I just want my readings to be pure: pure in seeking Jesus. I don't want to come to my quiet time only hoping for things He can give to me. I want to come to quiet time giving my ears and eyes and heart over to finding Jesus and falling more deeply in love with Him.

I want this summer to solely be about opening my Bible and saying Where my Homie at today? 

xoxo

my calling. my gifting.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've really been pressing into the Lord to reveal what my gifting is in this life. I have this friend who knows very specifically what her gifting and calling is, and honestly, I find a little envy creep into the cracks of my heart. Not that kind of envy that says, "I hope she fails, and every other human who fully recognizes the calling God placed on their lives fails, too." No, in fact, I feel the very opposite. I want her to succeed. I want all of them to succeed and further the Kingdom. With every fiber of my being, I WANT THEM TO SUCCEED. My tinge of envy comes from wishing I knew exactly what my giftings are, too. I want to know without a doubt the special thing God has given me and use it with abandon. Lately, I feel like I can't figure it out... Like, did I know what it was before? and during the last 5 years when I lost sight of who I was, did I lose sight of my talents and gifts and calling? Or did I never really know it to begin with? Or is the Lord dangling it in front of me and I am too blinded by other things of this world to even see it? I am not sure.

I am currently doing a Bible study that, honestly, I have kind of put off doing this week. I waited til one day before I needed to finish it to even open it. Wouldn't you know it that the very thing that has been on my mind, bothering me, bringing me to my knees is the very thing the study talks about this week?! Geez. The Lord is definitely trying to speak to me, but what is He saying? Do you ever feel that way? Like, God, I hear you, I feel you, I see you, but I can't quite make it out, it's a little muffled, a little blurry. You're there. You're here, but the message isn't clear.  I think maybe I'm letting my distractions block his communications. Distractions like my phone. (amirite?) And my little concerns. My worldly distractions and my worldly concerns. These distractions are the opposite of being focused on God. These distractions are preventing the muffled, blurry image from coming through clear as day.

If I can't put these distractions away, shift my focus upward, then no, the Lord will not reveal my actual giftings to me. He will not ask me to fulfill my calling if I cannot focus on Him and his Word more than my things. (I'm sitting here writing this and laughing, because I am thinking... this is so NOT where I was going with this, yet this is what is flowing out of my hands and my mind.) All of these things are telling me I am storing my "treasures" in the wrong place. All of these things are proving that I harvest what I plant (Gal. 6:7). I am the world's best time waster. F'real. I love my sleep. I love my bed. I love my lazy. And I am so well aware that the Bible calls us to "never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically." (I forget the verse reference). And there was a time I did work hard simply to overcome the natural lazy body that lives within this chubby exterior. And I did overcome it. I truly did. I set aside the Netflix, I set aside my selfishness and need to be 'nuggled up in my bed. I set my own, personal, and selfish desires aside and lived on the Holy Spirit and his Bread.

But then, life happened. And I fell back into my lazy ways. And perhaps all of these things running rampant in my mind about not knowing my gifting and my calling is really just the Lord saying, hey. stop. stop toiling with this nonsense. focus back on ME. look up. reach up. breathe me in deeply. lean into me, lean into my chest, my embrace, my breathing, feel my heartbeat for you. lean into my Word, and all of those promises. and dear lazy child, lean into obedience.

Of course, obedience. Obedience brings forth so much fruit. So much. I came here to whine about not knowing my calling or giftings. I came here to say, wahhhh, poor me. But instead, I've given myself a Bible lesson. "Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." (Phil. 2:12b-13). Yes, Lord, I hear you. First, obey. Press into You, press into your Word. Then, listen. And most of all for right now, stop being lazy. Stop being selfish with my time and my time wasters. Got it.

Laying my real life confessions out there in the open world is hard to do. I do know I'm called to live an open book type of life, but it doesn't make it easy all the time to tell the truth about my walk with the Lord. I am a mess. I'm a messy human with a tendency to be self serving. Imperfect, though loved with a Perfect Love. I really think I'm being disciplined like a child, because let's be real, I'm acting like one. My discipline is well deserved. I read my Bible daily, I journal, I pray. But then I do not behave in a way that suggests I am truly soaking the truths deep down in the crevices of my soul. I can't just read these truths, then curl up in bed every day as if I have no goals to work towards to further the Kingdom. No, I must live them. Hour by hour, minute by minute.

I must walk in obedience and that first step onto that path for me: stop being lazy.


xoxo

heart healing.

Just after Christmas, I went home to visit my family with my kids. Toby had to stay for a little bit but then flew up to meet us and stay for the rest of our trip. Last year was difficult, man. Like, everything was hard, and hurt, and raw, and bleeding, and I felt so apathetic at times. It's been almost a year since we lost my Papa (my grandfather). He raised me right along side my Momma and my Nanny (my grandmother). I think I spent equal amounts of time with all three of them. Growing up, we lived next door to my grandparents the majority of the time. Papa was a quiet man, gentle. Children and animals both loved him, they were drawn to him. He was a soothing soul, a God fearing one, too. He made us coke floats before bed (my brother and me). He let us have ice cream on all the other nights. That's just something small, that at first read, seems insignificant. But it's actually those small, little memories that make such an impact. And thank the Lord, I have so many.

My heart has hurt so much since his death. I know for certain he is in heaven walking upright on healed feet. I know he's riding the most bad ass lawnmower ever and mowing the greenest, most lush grass we can only dream of. I know he's daily rejoicing with his Savior. I do know it. But even in that knowing, even though I have not felt angry that he had to leave his earth-side home, even in believing the Lord did right because, hello it's God, and He wanted His blessed son home. Even with all that, there is certainly still hurt. We all still hurt. So. Much. I have been very spoiled or lucky or blessed - call it what you will - but I had never lost anyone close to me, until Papa had to go. And I had my preconceptions about what loss is like when it's someone you really really REALLY love. Those are all out the window. I loved him something fierce, and I know that feeling was mutual. I miss him and his gentle presence. My heart has grieved this whole year. It comes in waves, this grief. There is no timeline to feel healed. Maybe you never do, I don't know for sure. I just know, I have a sore heart from losing him last year. Grief is hard. And by golly, just know, there is no timeline to feel better.

And I tear up as I even write these things. But when I was home, something shifted. A healing washed over me like the morning dew. It was fresh and crisp and beautiful and it glimmered.  Every morning, I got up and walked over to Nanny's house to have coffee with her. A few days I had to drink it quick and run, but I didn't miss a morning with her. There was something so sweet about being in their home and just listening to her chat about him. We cried, we laughed, we hugged, we talked and talked. But just sitting there, sometimes in his chair, letting my grandma talk about my grandpa and soaking in every. single. word. was so soothing. I wanted to hear about everything. I made sure to ask how they met once more, letting all the details come to life in my mind. She even apologized for talking about him "too much", but I said, NO! Do not apologize! Keep talking! I think perhaps, she needed to talk about him, too. Her faithful, sweet, loving husband whom I know she misses more than words can even describe.

It was so good for my soul, these morning chats. My heart will always long for him and the way he always smelled just after a shower every night and those pearls snap shirts and his love of after dinner sweets. He always had Little Debbies. But my heart is a little more put back together today. I can cry but still feel like I reached a place of healing. That is such a beautiful place. The hurt and healing all wrapped up together. God is so gracious to allow us people to love so fiercely. He is so gracious to walk with us and carry us through hurt and heartache. He is gracious to grant us healing.

"He heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

Sometimes, grief gets brought back to the surface only to be healed a little more. Sometimes, healing comes from where we least expect and when we least expect it. When it comes, embrace it, welcome it, encourage your heart to cry and sing all at once.



xoxo

like rain on dirt.

note: I started writing this in October, but got interrupted, because hashtag large family life. Wellllll, I also started co-writing a Bible study for women. Like, a real study with homework days and group discussions and scaryscaryscary, but I came back to this post I started and I finished it up because, God said so. And it fits perfectly (in my humble opinion). So there it is, my big THING that's gonna happen, this thing we've had in the works, this-big, scary, I don't know what I'm doing-dream. However, God is faithful. And IF I'm going to WRITE a Bible study, then by-golly, I am going to have to actually WRITE more often. So for now, I'm sharing this, because I just feel like someone needs to read it. I love you guys!

**********

I dealt with prenatal and postpartum depression for five years straight. My fourth child was about 10 months old when it first hit me. And I continued to struggle for those next five years through two more pregnancies and babies. My depression manifested in the form of frustration and anger and intolerance. My whole life felt like one big, giant valley that I could not climb my way out of. It was deep, so deep that I wondered if the Lord had forgotten me at times. But other times, I had such clarity that He was there, loving me through it, even if I could not sense His presence every waking minute.


One particular day, I was in a mood. I don't know really what that mood was, except that I wanted to literally feel the Lord all around me. I was longing for a physical touch from Him. Sometimes that happens, sometimes my heart longs so deeply for my real home that I just crave and desire to have Him manifest in front of me and whisk me into His arms.


You know how you hug someone you care about and they always have the same smell? When I hug my mom or my husband or my baby, I know their smell, and it's a comfort. I wonder what Jesus would smell like, sometimes. I think maybe it's that smell of a fresh rain on the dirt.


I was in such a state of longing that I had my Bible out, and I had some songs on my phone playing to just soothe my soul a bit. It was kind of a cloudy, gloomy day, which happens to be my favorite weather. And when I looked outside, I noticed the wind was picking up and the rain began to fall. All I could think was, this is Him. This is my hug. This is my touch from the Savior. I had the biggest need to walk outside and play the music and worship while the rain hit my face. So I did. And I cried with hands held open, palms upward (my personal representation of being open to what Jesus has for me). Tears ran. As I was going through this rough time, I could feel the joy of Jesus. It wasn’t instant happy, no, it was a resounding permanence that I would never be left alone in my valley. I would have a Savior by my side, both in front of me and behind me, hemming me in, pulling and pushing me up the side of the mountain, and carrying me when my burden feels much too heavy to bear. No valley is too deep for Him, and it that moment of rain soaking my face and hair and clothes, I was sweetly reminded that that truth is an unshakeable truth.

the happenings lately.

Oh my wow, you guys. It's been over four months since I've uttered a word or dropped a photo onto this space!! What!?!? A lot has been going on, actually! And I've been doing everything but editing my personal photos and blogging. The absence wasn't intended, but maybe somehow I needed it.

We are homeschooling again this year with all the kids doing book work. If you'll remember, last year, I only schooled my first grader (barely) and my big two did Monarch, online. That did not work out. But I was coming out of the throes of prenatal depression, so I was in no place to do much teaching.  This year, though, I am so much better. Thank God. The prenatal did not turn in to postpartum. At least not long term. So I feel more like myself, and that feeling grows each and every day. I honestly think there is nothing more life sucking or draining than depression. It grabs hold and unleashes every bit of darkness that it can throw at you. There is a praise on my breath each morning because I have overcome that pit. All of that to say... I am now teaching all five boys this year! Am I qualified? .... ummm, not really (ha!), but I'm called, so I do. We're currently in our third week and we are moving right along. I only have one boy who likes to visit LaLaLand when I try to teach him (lol)! So I call that a win!

On top of getting back in to the swing of homeschooling, I spent my spring and summer partnering with someone else to get a women's ministry up and running through our church. Listen, this is not your grandma's women's ministry. (But mad respect for Grandma and her Bible Studying ways with other women. Without her, women's ministry would not be shaped much at all). SO, we spent the summer preparing to launch it this fall, and y'all, we had around 160 women sign up to go through our first Bible study as a women's group! Eek!!! It was wild! And Glory!!! because only God could spring forth that much life into something new. We're currently in the middle of that study and it is SO good! It's Open Your Bible by the She Reads Truthers, Raechel Myers and Amanda Bible Williams. We also have some fun things and some heart things and some service things planned, as well as the next studies. We are so passionate about discussion based studies because it just allows for more time for women to chat and really open up and share their story. But darn it if there aren't any studies out there, save a few, that are discussion driven instead of video driven. But it's all fine and well, because we WILL figure this out (because God)!!

One thing The Lord has made abundantly clear through starting up this ministry is this:

You may not feel good enough or qualified enough or strong enough or (in my case) smart enough, but dadgumit, sometimes the Lord calls you to do something, and if you juuuuuust say YES and follow His prompts, he'll give you all the things you feel like your flesh is lacking. Because, y'all, I feel like I am not able all. the. time. But if I just turn heart and eyes upward, He will give me HIS knowledge, and HIS ideas, and HIS wisdom, and HIS strength, and HIS [thing I think I lack]. Isn't that crazy?! and awesome?! and awe-inspiring?! My jaw tends to drop and my eyebrows shoot up into my forehead when I think on all the things I can't do, but He can and will through me and with my life. Wrapping my brain around it takes some effort, no doubt. But saying YES is one of the best things ever, and sometimes the hardest.

I mean, the Lord has put a bug in my ear about a big project, and I DEFINITELY do not feel smart enough or capable enough to accomplish it. So saying YES was and is scary for me, but I'm saying it with heart turned up and hands held open. And being grateful for a partner who is definitely smart enough and able to help see our vision through. I can't wait to share it with you, but for now, just pray we can cast vision and accomplish our tasks with the Lord.

Also, my dear husband went back to work full time after working from home all summer. So we've has those changes going on at home, too. It always requires readjusting expectations and processes when the home life changes. But it's been great! We learned some super big lessons over the summer, and maybe one day, if we get together, I'll tell ya about them in person. So now, I'm home with all six kids all day by myself. And it's taken some adjusting, but we're doing good! Our routine since we started school back up has been such a huge thing, a great thing! It's just what we needed to restore any semblance of order around here (ha!! because you know, six kids and all). I'm excited for my husband, though. He's in a leadership position and totally thrives on leading others. He just has this way about him that makes people like him, respect him, and want to be part of his team. It totally makes me envious, lol! But for serious, he's going to do great things where he's at. And I'm so excited for him.

So that's that. My baby Ruby is 15 months old now, a whopping 19lbs. She's a petite little darling, and she's the perfect girl icing to our boy cake. (yeah, that was cheesy. sorry about that.) But she does make our family so complete and she makes it a thousand times better just because she's part of it! We all love her, and no kidding, I STILL cannot get over the fact that we have a baby girl in our family! I still feel so beyond blessed and just awe-struck, because she is so amazing!

Anyways, I hope to return to this space more (like I always say), but in the mean time, enjoy your week!!

trenches. faith. breastfeeding.

I've been using my camera a lot more lately.

A few years ago I took some self portraits where I felt very vulnerable and open.

And to be honest, I've felt sort of closed off lately, the opposite. But Ruby had me sitting and nursing and holding her all morning yesterday. It was a long morning, but I had my camera with me so I decided to snap some self portraits of the two of us during our most intimate time.

I am back to my heaviest weight ever, my face is swollen due to health issues. I just feel like a horrible parent lately, and like my walls are just creeping in on me as I struggle through some things. Ultimately, the Lord is still good and will see us through it all, though it may be painful and ugly. Things I'm learning are to open my clenched fist and stop holding on to MY idyllic situations and circumstances. I feel like I spend too much time thinking on how this and that should be and not living where I'm at. I hold on so tightly to what I believe things should look like that I can't even see what the Lord is trying to do in front of me. I can't see beyond the things I'm clenching so tightly to. Basically, I just said the same thing about ten different ways. Ell Oh Ell. 

Seriously, though, letting go is a huge process. And it's so strange, because I actually thrive on change. I love it so much. The only time it's a little bothersome is when peeps try to change something that was actually working REALLY well and they simply wanted to reinvent the wheel and it just flopped. But that's another song and dance. ...I forget where I was going with this whole paragraph, because kids. So.

These photos. My face, it's swollen, but I am as weary and tired as I look. I keep envisioning myself in this room full of people lately. And it looks like a room full of people just doing their thang and worshiping the Lord full out with all of their being, myself included. Y'all, I am in the trenches. I'm in the trenches of motherhood, tiny babies, toddlers, preschoolers, adolescents, preteens, and teens. Trenches. Something unique but hard at every turn with all of these ages. And I want out sometimes, so darn bad. I don't love every second. I don't cherish every single moment. I won't miss every detail of these days. I do believe I will have moments I will miss and I will remember the good. But I long to not feel the weariness. So lately, I find myself just reaching, reaching for a way to let the Lord do more in my heart and in my home and in my mess, because, y'all...  it is a mess up in this heart. And what I've discovered is that this room I'm envisioning, I want that within my home. I want my home to be a place where I can freely worship how I do. Sure, this mothering thing and this wife-ing thing and this homemaking thing are acts are worship, but that is not what I'm craving. I'm craving to crank up all the songs and say all the prayers and fling my head back and belt a million words and let the tears flow, all unfettered and without fear. I just want my whole being to be flung into His arms by way of song and movement and tears and a great pouring out of the heart. I want the Holy Spirit to speak on my behalf while I just give every last drop of breath and tear and being to full blown God glorifying worship. Selfishly, I want all of Him. But also, I want to give Him all of me. Not only do I want that for myself, but for my children, my guests. I'm very self conscious about things like this, but oh man, I'm working on it.

My daughter. She is a huge part of who I am as a mother at the moment because she is so often literally attached to me. And it's a beautiful thing and it's one of my favorite times during the early years, having a nursling. I adore it. She's currently going through a phase where she clings tight to me every morning and sits close and alternates between nursing and snuggling until her first nap, rarely moving from wherever we're sitting. So I caught some of our nursing session on film in a more creative, detailed way. I may not love my figure, or my swollen face, but I love her. I love us. And my thoughts were running wild and I just needed to capture this time on film. There are a lot of photos, but I love them all.

xoxo