brave.

So. If you don't know the whole story, here it is: I co-run a women's group/ministry/thing in our church here. And we put together (with the help of an amazing team) an early Mother's Day event this past Friday. We had all of our speaker set and ready to go, the line up was nailed down. But then. Then. My partner in crime (or just women's ministry) called me on Monday and said..... "heyyyy, soooo, you're speaking, bye." Okay, maybe not exactly in those words, but that's how I remember it because I was shell shocked. Whut. I mean..... whut?! Say it again? I'm speaking? I hate you.

So. I mulled it over for a day, and the Lord very quickly gave me something to speak about. So I said yes to this first-time-to-ever-speak-in-front-of-people-with-a-mic situation.

Our event was called BRAVE. And we had four women speak briefly on what it means to be brave in their current stage of life. All four women were in different life situations (fresh out of high school, blended family, new grandparent). My stage is: married with a bunch of kids. Aaaand, here's what I had to say:



When I was 7 months out of high school, at the tender age of 18, I married Toby. Brave was moving away from the familiar and comfort of home to be an air force wife in a brand new town 8 hours away. Brave was navigating a new marriage when I wanted to go back home to where my family lived. I even sometimes wondered if we made a mistake. Instead, I stayed and pressed on and we grew into adulthood together. That was over 16 years ago.

I started going to church with a new friend during Toby’s first deployment. I came to know the Lord. And Brave was asking him to come to church with me, repeatedly, even though he often said, “probably not.” Eventually, he started saying yes on occasion. Soon, we were baptized together. And today, we are living proof that the Lord works in the hearts of those who are unsure of Him. If this is your story, hold on, married friends, there is hope.

Three years into marriage, we had our first baby. I was 20. Brave was starting a family without a support system, like our parents and grandparents. And super bravery was getting pregnant again eight short months after the first one was born! If you're in the trenches of tiny ones in motherhood, hang on dear mommas, you can do this.

Fast forward to 5 1/2 years ago. We had four boys by now, the baby was about 10 months old and we were gearing up to move here, to Odessa. I suddenly started struggling like I never had before. Postpartum depression hit me for the first time. We moved about two months later, and I found out I was pregnant AGAIN two weeks after we got here and we were both surprised because we had decided we were done growing our family! The postpartum then became prenatal depression, a term I never heard before. I struggled the whole pregnancy, even after he was born. When he was two, I felt the fog lifting a little. THEN, because I’m fertile myrtle, I became pregnant with another surprise baby. (and yes, I DO know how that happens). This time, the prenatal depression actually kept me in bed most of my pregnancy. Brave was telling my husband and kids that I cannot do life. I cannot cook, or clean, or grocery shop. I can’t human, I can’t function. Brave was letting go of an ideal I created in my mind of what I should be doing day in and day out. Brave was letting my family help me. And sometimes, brave was simply getting out of bed.

About six months ago, my eyes were opened to something I had been in denial about: I was still struggling with postpartum depression. I had been wondering if running away alone would be best for my family. I wondered if I was damaging my kids because I still wasn't functioning well in day to day life. Brave for me, was calling a doctor and seeking medical advice, saying out loud that I needed help. If this is your story, sweet mommas, you are not alone. There is hope.

Over a year ago, the Lord asked me to be BRAVE and step out of my comfortable, introverted bubble and seek a partner to start a women’s Bible study group with. That partner was Jessica Phillips. And we’ve been going non-stop ever since that day. And right now, I am in a season where God is silent. He is not giving me direction. He is not giving me a next step. He’s just not speaking to me. And I believe it’s because my “next step” is actually to stay exactly where I am: to keep co-leading SheTribe, to simply be with my family this summer, to remain just where I am in this season of life. Brave is having faith, that though we live in a fast-paced, what’s-next, kind of world, I am to keep that faith and trust that the Lord is there always, and has not left me. He is simply asking me to be still and stay the course, be faithful to him. He’s asking me to keep going. If this is your story, dear ones, be brave where you are, remain faithful, and keep going.

********

This is (a portion of) my BRAVE story. It's so important to tell our stories, to say, "see? I overcame. There is hope. The Lord never left me, He carried me. He is good. He is faithful." Please, never be afraid to tell your story, sweet ones. Never. 

xoxo

like rain on dirt.

note: I started writing this in October, but got interrupted, because hashtag large family life. Wellllll, I also started co-writing a Bible study for women. Like, a real study with homework days and group discussions and scaryscaryscary, but I came back to this post I started and I finished it up because, God said so. And it fits perfectly (in my humble opinion). So there it is, my big THING that's gonna happen, this thing we've had in the works, this-big, scary, I don't know what I'm doing-dream. However, God is faithful. And IF I'm going to WRITE a Bible study, then by-golly, I am going to have to actually WRITE more often. So for now, I'm sharing this, because I just feel like someone needs to read it. I love you guys!

**********

I dealt with prenatal and postpartum depression for five years straight. My fourth child was about 10 months old when it first hit me. And I continued to struggle for those next five years through two more pregnancies and babies. My depression manifested in the form of frustration and anger and intolerance. My whole life felt like one big, giant valley that I could not climb my way out of. It was deep, so deep that I wondered if the Lord had forgotten me at times. But other times, I had such clarity that He was there, loving me through it, even if I could not sense His presence every waking minute.


One particular day, I was in a mood. I don't know really what that mood was, except that I wanted to literally feel the Lord all around me. I was longing for a physical touch from Him. Sometimes that happens, sometimes my heart longs so deeply for my real home that I just crave and desire to have Him manifest in front of me and whisk me into His arms.


You know how you hug someone you care about and they always have the same smell? When I hug my mom or my husband or my baby, I know their smell, and it's a comfort. I wonder what Jesus would smell like, sometimes. I think maybe it's that smell of a fresh rain on the dirt.


I was in such a state of longing that I had my Bible out, and I had some songs on my phone playing to just soothe my soul a bit. It was kind of a cloudy, gloomy day, which happens to be my favorite weather. And when I looked outside, I noticed the wind was picking up and the rain began to fall. All I could think was, this is Him. This is my hug. This is my touch from the Savior. I had the biggest need to walk outside and play the music and worship while the rain hit my face. So I did. And I cried with hands held open, palms upward (my personal representation of being open to what Jesus has for me). Tears ran. As I was going through this rough time, I could feel the joy of Jesus. It wasn’t instant happy, no, it was a resounding permanence that I would never be left alone in my valley. I would have a Savior by my side, both in front of me and behind me, hemming me in, pulling and pushing me up the side of the mountain, and carrying me when my burden feels much too heavy to bear. No valley is too deep for Him, and it that moment of rain soaking my face and hair and clothes, I was sweetly reminded that that truth is an unshakeable truth.

the happenings lately.

Oh my wow, you guys. It's been over four months since I've uttered a word or dropped a photo onto this space!! What!?!? A lot has been going on, actually! And I've been doing everything but editing my personal photos and blogging. The absence wasn't intended, but maybe somehow I needed it.

We are homeschooling again this year with all the kids doing book work. If you'll remember, last year, I only schooled my first grader (barely) and my big two did Monarch, online. That did not work out. But I was coming out of the throes of prenatal depression, so I was in no place to do much teaching.  This year, though, I am so much better. Thank God. The prenatal did not turn in to postpartum. At least not long term. So I feel more like myself, and that feeling grows each and every day. I honestly think there is nothing more life sucking or draining than depression. It grabs hold and unleashes every bit of darkness that it can throw at you. There is a praise on my breath each morning because I have overcome that pit. All of that to say... I am now teaching all five boys this year! Am I qualified? .... ummm, not really (ha!), but I'm called, so I do. We're currently in our third week and we are moving right along. I only have one boy who likes to visit LaLaLand when I try to teach him (lol)! So I call that a win!

On top of getting back in to the swing of homeschooling, I spent my spring and summer partnering with someone else to get a women's ministry up and running through our church. Listen, this is not your grandma's women's ministry. (But mad respect for Grandma and her Bible Studying ways with other women. Without her, women's ministry would not be shaped much at all). SO, we spent the summer preparing to launch it this fall, and y'all, we had around 160 women sign up to go through our first Bible study as a women's group! Eek!!! It was wild! And Glory!!! because only God could spring forth that much life into something new. We're currently in the middle of that study and it is SO good! It's Open Your Bible by the She Reads Truthers, Raechel Myers and Amanda Bible Williams. We also have some fun things and some heart things and some service things planned, as well as the next studies. We are so passionate about discussion based studies because it just allows for more time for women to chat and really open up and share their story. But darn it if there aren't any studies out there, save a few, that are discussion driven instead of video driven. But it's all fine and well, because we WILL figure this out (because God)!!

One thing The Lord has made abundantly clear through starting up this ministry is this:

You may not feel good enough or qualified enough or strong enough or (in my case) smart enough, but dadgumit, sometimes the Lord calls you to do something, and if you juuuuuust say YES and follow His prompts, he'll give you all the things you feel like your flesh is lacking. Because, y'all, I feel like I am not able all. the. time. But if I just turn heart and eyes upward, He will give me HIS knowledge, and HIS ideas, and HIS wisdom, and HIS strength, and HIS [thing I think I lack]. Isn't that crazy?! and awesome?! and awe-inspiring?! My jaw tends to drop and my eyebrows shoot up into my forehead when I think on all the things I can't do, but He can and will through me and with my life. Wrapping my brain around it takes some effort, no doubt. But saying YES is one of the best things ever, and sometimes the hardest.

I mean, the Lord has put a bug in my ear about a big project, and I DEFINITELY do not feel smart enough or capable enough to accomplish it. So saying YES was and is scary for me, but I'm saying it with heart turned up and hands held open. And being grateful for a partner who is definitely smart enough and able to help see our vision through. I can't wait to share it with you, but for now, just pray we can cast vision and accomplish our tasks with the Lord.

Also, my dear husband went back to work full time after working from home all summer. So we've has those changes going on at home, too. It always requires readjusting expectations and processes when the home life changes. But it's been great! We learned some super big lessons over the summer, and maybe one day, if we get together, I'll tell ya about them in person. So now, I'm home with all six kids all day by myself. And it's taken some adjusting, but we're doing good! Our routine since we started school back up has been such a huge thing, a great thing! It's just what we needed to restore any semblance of order around here (ha!! because you know, six kids and all). I'm excited for my husband, though. He's in a leadership position and totally thrives on leading others. He just has this way about him that makes people like him, respect him, and want to be part of his team. It totally makes me envious, lol! But for serious, he's going to do great things where he's at. And I'm so excited for him.

So that's that. My baby Ruby is 15 months old now, a whopping 19lbs. She's a petite little darling, and she's the perfect girl icing to our boy cake. (yeah, that was cheesy. sorry about that.) But she does make our family so complete and she makes it a thousand times better just because she's part of it! We all love her, and no kidding, I STILL cannot get over the fact that we have a baby girl in our family! I still feel so beyond blessed and just awe-struck, because she is so amazing!

Anyways, I hope to return to this space more (like I always say), but in the mean time, enjoy your week!!

trenches. faith. breastfeeding.

I've been using my camera a lot more lately.

A few years ago I took some self portraits where I felt very vulnerable and open.

And to be honest, I've felt sort of closed off lately, the opposite. But Ruby had me sitting and nursing and holding her all morning yesterday. It was a long morning, but I had my camera with me so I decided to snap some self portraits of the two of us during our most intimate time.

I am back to my heaviest weight ever, my face is swollen due to health issues. I just feel like a horrible parent lately, and like my walls are just creeping in on me as I struggle through some things. Ultimately, the Lord is still good and will see us through it all, though it may be painful and ugly. Things I'm learning are to open my clenched fist and stop holding on to MY idyllic situations and circumstances. I feel like I spend too much time thinking on how this and that should be and not living where I'm at. I hold on so tightly to what I believe things should look like that I can't even see what the Lord is trying to do in front of me. I can't see beyond the things I'm clenching so tightly to. Basically, I just said the same thing about ten different ways. Ell Oh Ell. 

Seriously, though, letting go is a huge process. And it's so strange, because I actually thrive on change. I love it so much. The only time it's a little bothersome is when peeps try to change something that was actually working REALLY well and they simply wanted to reinvent the wheel and it just flopped. But that's another song and dance. ...I forget where I was going with this whole paragraph, because kids. So.

These photos. My face, it's swollen, but I am as weary and tired as I look. I keep envisioning myself in this room full of people lately. And it looks like a room full of people just doing their thang and worshiping the Lord full out with all of their being, myself included. Y'all, I am in the trenches. I'm in the trenches of motherhood, tiny babies, toddlers, preschoolers, adolescents, preteens, and teens. Trenches. Something unique but hard at every turn with all of these ages. And I want out sometimes, so darn bad. I don't love every second. I don't cherish every single moment. I won't miss every detail of these days. I do believe I will have moments I will miss and I will remember the good. But I long to not feel the weariness. So lately, I find myself just reaching, reaching for a way to let the Lord do more in my heart and in my home and in my mess, because, y'all...  it is a mess up in this heart. And what I've discovered is that this room I'm envisioning, I want that within my home. I want my home to be a place where I can freely worship how I do. Sure, this mothering thing and this wife-ing thing and this homemaking thing are acts are worship, but that is not what I'm craving. I'm craving to crank up all the songs and say all the prayers and fling my head back and belt a million words and let the tears flow, all unfettered and without fear. I just want my whole being to be flung into His arms by way of song and movement and tears and a great pouring out of the heart. I want the Holy Spirit to speak on my behalf while I just give every last drop of breath and tear and being to full blown God glorifying worship. Selfishly, I want all of Him. But also, I want to give Him all of me. Not only do I want that for myself, but for my children, my guests. I'm very self conscious about things like this, but oh man, I'm working on it.

My daughter. She is a huge part of who I am as a mother at the moment because she is so often literally attached to me. And it's a beautiful thing and it's one of my favorite times during the early years, having a nursling. I adore it. She's currently going through a phase where she clings tight to me every morning and sits close and alternates between nursing and snuggling until her first nap, rarely moving from wherever we're sitting. So I caught some of our nursing session on film in a more creative, detailed way. I may not love my figure, or my swollen face, but I love her. I love us. And my thoughts were running wild and I just needed to capture this time on film. There are a lot of photos, but I love them all.

xoxo

standing on her own.

How much changes in a month's time, right?! Man oh man. Especially in these earliest of years. This first year, even more especially. Babies go from not being able to do anything except eat, blink, cry, and poop. And somehow frog their legs back and forth, one at a time, in a way that makes putting pants on feel impossible. But they can't hold their head up or make actual decisions or move their limbs on purpose.

Then bam! crawling and standing and walking and mimicking sounds and dancing like it's their job! It's an amazing growth process that is just so incredibly fast. One month, Ruby can barely pull herself up, and she definitely cannot pull up and then bend back down to pick something up, that's too complicated. But then, the next, she's pulling up, bending down to pick things up, AND letting go to stand on her own! It's so fast. Like, whoa.

And every single step of the way, we're just over her being her cheer section, clapping, and yay-ing, and telling her good job, and just absorbing this tiny human while she goes from newborn to infant and presses on into toddler hood. Still so tiny, but my, how she's grown since the day she was birthed in my bedroom.

We don't get everything on film, because, well, not everything is predictable, but we try to etch it into our minds. Like how yesterday, I stood her in the floor after a nursing session, she stayed standing as I walked around her and called her to me. One small step and then a trusting fall forward into my arms. The same again this morning. The first two solo steps in her tiny life, not caught on film of any kind, but caught in my heart and in my throat. These first steps are the last first steps for our babies. This first Mother's Day having a daughter to celebrate is my last first with a new baby around. So much bittersweetness. I'm grateful. My heart is full. She is just the best gift this year.

I won't be the one spouting off that I need alone time today. I much prefer to take it the day before then spend today at home with my crew, even if that just looks like me dozing in and out on the couch with the tv on and the baby napping. That's my kind of Mother's Day. Usually, I'd rant about wishing they'd clean the house for me and just leave it clean for a time, but not this year. This time, I'm just happy to have them all here, happy that they're so happy to run to the mall for my requested "meal" of a cookie cake for us all to share. I don't need much, except for them to know I love them. And for my moms, all my mom figures, to know I love them, too. I'm not the fastest or first to text, call, or FB, but when I do, it comes from my heart. I'm not good with greeting cards, either, but I love all the mom figures in my life: my own mom, that I'd be lost without, my Nanny, who I'd be equally lost without. My mom in law, whom I love like my own mom because after all these years, she is my mom, too. Karen, who filled a mom void when I started having babies so far away from my own mom and is another mom to me. So many women who didn't birth me (and the one who did) that I am attached to and grateful for their love and kindness and support. Without them, gosh, without them, I'd be so lost.

And while it be Mother's Day, I want to say THANK YOU to my husband and kids, because they have to put up with me day in and day out, and without them, I am nothing at all. The Lord knew what he was doing when He organized my crazy life.